taylor, 19, just trying to figure it out

Tapping fingers on glass to remind myself there’s still a sort of rhythm in me

There’s a pulse driving me, no matter how muted it feels in my veins

And if I quiet my head of its constant ticking I can remember hazy days - sunburned shoulders, hammock naps, bonfire harmonies

(A calm before a coming storm)

Anxiety-ridden talks on front porches, explanations through sobs

Hot, sticky days - days I felt everything like tiny electric shocks, white blinding lights, like brand new mornings, like half-naked kisses at night in the warm rain

How I felt like the universe was somehow both for and against me, how everything unfolded like tulip petals right in front of my eyes and for once I was aware of how in control I really was

And now

Now I tap my fingers and try to push back through my own walls, to gently break through the glass windows in my mind and tell myself that I’m still in control, that my choices are everything

That I’m choosing to sit quietly and not feel my pulse

Choosing to forget the days I felt the most alive

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I am a tangled mess of contradictions.

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❝ get naked
stand barefoot on grass
put your phone away
eat strawberries
tell him you love him
sing loud
try to count your freckles
cry in the shower
wear lipstick
finish all your books
hug your little brothers
wear slippers outside
read your old poems
talk with a homeless person
run faster
love harder
how to feel alive

Maybe we loved so fast and so fiercely that it had to run out.

I felt it in my bones for every second of every day I was with you, and perhaps we felt it so hard that it pushed past our walls and spilled out into the ocean on that day we had too much sun - the day we told each other secrets and got drunk and raced to the water, knowing a present awaited the winner back in our sandy bed. 

I’m terrified by the idea that maybe I created an entire universe inside of six months, inside of you. And there’s life outside of it and you’re already living it. 

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Things to do before I am 30: a list.
  • write lots of good music
  • play live shows
  • learn how to make delicious food really, really well
  • find a job that I love and that pays well
  • travel everywhere, see the world
  • live in Australia or Hawaii 
  • learn piano
  • stop being so afraid of failing
  • volunteer in homeless shelters and/or orphanages in third world countries
  • learn to love myself first 
  • act in something that excites me
  • do something with fashion (internship, stylist, model)
  • stop being negative, stop complaining -see the positive in everything
  • learn to surf
  • get my own pretty apartment in a city (Toronto/New York/Sydney/Miami/Paris)
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02/25/14

Te amo, baby, te amo

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All I know

is that I’ve never looked at someone and felt

my chest swell,

eyes water,

heart burst,

until you.

All I know is that

you played the piano and I felt

more than I thought I could in one instant,

and that you think I should believe in myself,

(because you do)

as if I’m the most obvious person to believe in;

as if I could make even a tiny scribble on this page.

It has started to become easy to love myself

since you. 

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Come closer still,
I want to feel your mind
I want to kiss your eyelids and make sure all is well
Come closer still and feel me too,
Fill me with your silly jokes,
Your worries and desires
Fill me with nights like when we danced on our own to no music,
Completely unaware of everyone around us,
Stepping on each other’s toes and laughing because we knew how fast and how hard we were falling.

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ST